off record
Shaukat Ali Jawaid

Some pearls of Wisdom
form Mushtaq Yusufi

During the initial two weeks of the lockdown due to Covid19 pandemic, I managed to read a few books which also included the one by late Mr. Mushtaq Yusufi a renowned Banker by profession whose contribution to humorous literature are commendable. He manages to say and convey some very important messages in his typical Yusufi style which has a satire as well as humor. He has always been a sought after speaker at select gatherings of intellectuals as well as people from different walks of life the healthcare professionals being no exception. I had the pleasure of listing to him quite a few times at such meetings. The book I am referring here is a compilation of his speeches which he delivered at different literary functions and it is titled as “Shame Shaireeran”. It makes an interesting reading and contains innumerable pearls of wisdom some of which are being reproduced below for you to enjoy.

  1. Only Idiots, camel, Zarafa and woly ball players apart from Rangroots and those who wish to snatch kites flying can be proud of their tall physical stature.
  2. You were a Crowd, I made you a Nation. Quaid-e- Azam speech in Aligarh University before partition.
  3. I have personal experience of all pains except labour pain.
  4. Noted surgeons instead of well known Healers. Address to surgeons.
  5. When audience is fed up with the speaker who continues his speech despite the questionable looks by the men among audience and noise created by the bangles by the women participants, one should be afraid of because the speaker could be either a Minister or someone above him in authority.
  6. Mard Hazrat means that there are some Hazrat among audience who are not “Mard” or there are some females who are actually “Hazrat”.
  7. With empty stomach even one cannot shout against Government properly. With empty stomach one can only get a blood test done or get operated by a surgeon.
  8. Out of all the tasty and delicious dishes in the world, 50% have been forbidden by the religious scholars and the remaining 50% by the doctors.
  9. This is the first time I am speaking to the doctors without taking off the clothes.
  10. An old litigant is half the lawyer and a chronic patient is half doctor quack.
  11. The English even do not know the proper etiquets of love. They cannot distinguish between love and the First Aid. It looks as if they are doing mouth to mouth resuscitation. In Pakistan one eats Mangoes like that.
  12. In Pakistani films even if a corner of hero’s shirt touches the finger of Heroin, she jumps and cries loudly “Jan Kadh Lai Baemmana” and then embraces tightly the nearest tree.
  13. Even if some one knows too many languages, he cherishes to abuse, sing a song and count in his mother tongue.
  14. An intelligent man always keeps her eyes down as well as bad intentions. A man’s eyes and women’s tongue are the last to die.
  15. Sometimes even Nations suffer from Hypochondriac state and they enjoy describing their diseases with exaggeration.
  16. There is a Chinese saying that during life sadness will be all around but do not let them make a nest in our hairs.
  17. A well known Pakistani Qawwal said in his interview that he wanted to become a doctor but God Almighty saved him.
  18. I do not know why the Dacoits in Pakistan use Kalashknove, TT Pistols and hide their faces to rob. They should just open an investment company.
  19. One of Pakistani Heroines who has now left nothing but her feelings is known as Maliki-e- Jabot.
  20. Doctors are all the time worried that their patients may not die but Qawwals make sure that no poet is alive. Normally every Qawwal is forgiven for having killed seven poets.
  21. When Rupee and doctor both give up offering no relief, Homeopathy practice is very beneficial. Some of the diseases which are cured without any treatment are best suited for homeopathic medicines.
  22. Mr. Niaz a senior bureaucrat posted as Commissioner in Hyderabad also used to practice Homeopathy in the evening treating patients free. Once a three years old child, eat all the tablets in various bottles and did not suffer any side effects, that day he decided to give up Homeopathy because he did not want to spoil his present and the world thereafter. It also shows that Homeopathy drugs are absolutely safe provided your age is not more than three years.
  23. Most of the private hospitals are money making machines more than healthcare facilities. These machines make money round the clock. Numerous Governments have come and gone but no one could initiate any meaningful reforms in health sector and people continue to suffer.
  24. A man cannot be termed as a human being and a human being cannot be termed as Ashraf ul Makhlooq till he feels the physical, mental, financial and social miseries of others.
  25. Referring to the speech made by speakers at the Book Launch meeting, he says that the speakers go an extra mile to praise the author to such an extent that the author remains under false impression for the rest of their life. This roof is very strong otherwise it must have fallen by now in view of the lies we have heard so far. It appears it is the same architect who has designed and constructed the buildings of our Courts, Parliament and Planning Commission because so much lies and falsehood is spoken under them, otherwise they would have collapsed.
  26. Sahib-e-Kitab or Sahib- e- Sham Ki jitni and jaisi mubalgha amez Tareef ke jati hay woh isy umer bhar ghalt Fahmi mey rakhnay kaleay kafi hoti hay. Yey roof bila shuba bohat mazbooth or paidar hay. Iskey neechay itna ghoot bola ghaya hay kah mamooli chatt to kabhi ki ham par ghir gai hoti. Assay late hay key issue Kay bemisal architect nay humary adalton, assemblion and planning commission buildings design key hain. Is leay sab say ziada ghoot inhee ki chatt kay neechay bola jata hai.
  27. Making a speech after a dance is just like offering Satu (a local drink popular in Punjab) in clay bowls after having delicious dinner followed by Ice Cream.
  28. Josh Sahib says that Dance is poetry of human organs, hence it can be said that poetry is dance of literary words.
  29. Anyone who can control his/her blood pressure and abuses while commenting on the daily state of affairs is either Waliullah or is himself responsible for that state of affairs.
  30. When a poet appreciates another poet and asks him to repeat the couplet again and again, it means there must be some technical or literary shortcoming.
  31. People often say that poets and Adeeb are interested in handsome faces. However, we have seen Faiz Ahmad Faiz very closely in London for six seven years. To me he looked Benayaz. Even if some Shahi Tukra herself came close to him, Faiz Sahib never looked towards the Began Ka Bhurta which became my share.
  32. Zarafa has no right to criticize the neck of camel. Many noted literary figures, poets and Adeeb have contributed their share to spoil the successive governments.
  33. Faiz says Jaza Saza yaheen hoghee yaheen azab o sawab hoga.Yaheen say uthay gha roze mahshar, yaheen pay rozay hisab hoga
  34. Men makes love only once in his life, second time it is Ayashi and thereafter it is Badmashee. First love is always real and genuine and pure because at that time one is not so intelligent.
  35. Islamabad in real sense is just like Paradise. Whosoever comes here in power is thrown out just like Hazrat Adam.
  36. I am worried because if the Government of the day got annoyed, and I became their target, I may be made Governor of Sindh.
  37. One thing is common in Qawali and Government. In both it is only one person who sings and the rest all are clapping.
  38. Lady Astor the first women parliamentarian in UK once said “The main dangers in life are those people who want to change everything--- or nothing.
  39. All those suffering from hopelessness, depression will feel better if they are allowed to smell the fresh new currency notes early in the morning. Its smell offers lot of strength to the heart, freshness to eyes and satisfaction to the soul but it is linked with three conditions i.e these currently notes should be one’s own. The second and third condition is also the same.
  40. Marriage is such a romantic story in which the Hero dies in the very first chapter.
  41. Man is the biggest problem of women who is best friend and the worst enemy at the same time.
  42. One does not have to struggle hard to write against mother in law, father in law and the weather and the Government. However, in order to say something in their favour one needs a large heartedness, intellectual honesty, a thick skin and a similar thick vision.
  43. An author should only be seen in the eyes of book by their fans. There has got to be a meaningful difference. However, if the reader is a woman, then the difference between her and the author should be her husband.
  44. When Reema is acting, it looks as if she is doing something else. In my opinion the difference between Showbiz and politics is that politicians do better acting.
  45. Promises made in Party manifesto, by Maqrooz the one who has to pay loan and the beloved are never fulfilled.
  46. Khurroshieve the leader of USSR had once said that politicians of all countries are the same as their modus operandi of befooling the public is same. They promise to build a bridge at a place where there never existed a river. The speeches delivered by some of the politicians are so humorous that one can print them as such in a column for the readers to enjoy. Gen. Ziaul Haque knew the importance of humour that is why it was also the duty of Brig. Siddique Salik to put some humour in speeches which he wrote for the General. It is another thing that the General would kill that humour with his typical style.
  47. Lotas are always counted, not broken.
  48. No one wastes time in Gheebat of an unsuccessful man.
  49. Critical journalists and non-obeying editors are looked after at the provincial level by the governments which mean the nearest lock up and the nearest police station. The long hands of the authorities can discover pornographic material, Rebellious Baghi literature, Kakalshikinov and Heroin.
  50. In Pakistan Bureaucrat are the most powerful, vindictive, helpless and the most Miskeens Zalim. He is never in favour of anything except transfer. He has to praise the every new comer Ruler and criticize the one who has just been thrown out of power. Every new government wishes him to obey unconditionally and promise to be loyal till the last day of their life.
  51. Perhaps due to some typographical error the invitation letter sent to senior bankers to meet the Chief Martial Law Administrator Gen. Ayub Khan, it was written Bakers rather than Bankers when they were brought for an army dressing down. No one had the courage to say to the Field Martial Ayub Khan that they were bankers and not bakers. Ayub Khan in his address narrated the disadvantages of making Rotis (bread) by the women at home. A short stature banker had the courage to praise him saying that” Sir if Chapatti is warm, it has bad effects on stomach and if it is cold, it can lead to constipation.”
  52. The good speech has three qualities i.e. one should speak Truth, Weigh before one speaks and Wind up before you are asked to stop.
  53. Abstract art enjoys the same importance in painting as classical Music in music. We listen to POP Music with so much devotion and Bawazoo that it strengthens our religious beliefs because after listening to pop music one understands why Mauseeqe was termed Haram.
  54. When democracy gets annoyed, people suffer from Zia-bêtes.
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